Nostalgia.

Nothing that profound to say here tonight. Just wanted to pull out some past thoughts and highlights from my past couple weeks.
I returned from the mountain (college) about 2 weeks ago... and I thought it would be a nice fluffy cushion being back home. Well, it hasn't been all that it sounded like. I committed myself early on to many things and planned a lot. Now, it's hitting me.
I am working for my mom over the summer-- a cushy job with very high pay, a bit of flexibility, and the job itself is simply awesome (wedding planning/flower arranging?? YEAH MAN.). So I was very excited... and I'm pretty good at it too. 
However, I didn't get the memo that just because I'm a college kid I am on a very tight, short leash and expected to do many great and selfless things. To say the least, I have retreated back into a defensive shell, been yelled at countless times since I got home, cried more than I have in the past several months, and don't really and truly feel at peace.
I have been told that I should find another job-- maybe I should? I'm with my mom all the time right now with working and not and we constantly get into fights. I really don't like this. Conflict stresses me out... greatly. I wasn't stressed out that much the past few months of school as much as I am now back at home-- which is supposed to be my place of rest, isn't it?
I do my devotions every night and am constantly crying out to the Lord. (This is what he wants, though.) My spiritual state is desperate- I am not nearly strong enough to be fruitful and virtuous in any of these situations. I am trying to depend on the Lord to give me patience and love when I do not want to be in my house anymore. I really honestly have not known what to do the past 2 weeks. It has felt so odd. There's not really a set place for me here at home it feels. I have been made to clean more than I ever have when my brother gets to frolic. I am glad he is having a great time but I honestly don't feel like I'm valued at home. I'm trying to look at it from several different perspectives but it all boils down to the same stuff: I don't feel very good right now about everything.
Perhaps the Lord is bringing me down to the end of my resources so I will look to him. That is a huge thing he has been teaching me this year. Very possible. Probable.
Just feel very weary and desperate for his good graces because everything else... is just sinking sand, to say the least. Maybe that's the point. Life just looks so dreary right now in a lot of areas. The mission trip I have been looking forward to for 10 months... I am not going to get to go on it because of money purposes and my mom doesn't really want me to. I understand her reasoning but my heart it breaking for it-- I really wanted to go. For a number of reasons.
I am not trying to paint my family in a bad light-- they have loved me more than I deserve, and they are great people. However, it feels a bit more lame now that I'm home for a while. On breaks and even the first couple days of summer, people would say things like "Aren't you so glad that Taylor's home??? It must be great!" I used to receive hugs and my family would be like yes, yes it is so great. Now it feels like it doesn't mean anything anymore and my mom just shrugs her shoulders at me and says Yeah it's interesting having her home.
...?
I'm not really sure what's going on. Maybe I'm more critical that I should be. I just want to have a place at home. Right now I feel like the errand-runner and comic relief that gets yelled at a lot. Not sure.
Don't take my word completely for it, but right now I'm not really thinking positively or rightly. I'm just sad.
On top of this, I am being hit by severe nostalgia tonight. I miss my high school  friends. My graduating class. My heart aches for how we used to be.. I wish it would be like that now. I feel like I tried to keep in touch with some of them over the college freshman year but it never really stuck. It just hurts. Missing hurts so much.
My college friends (I have a closeknit circle of about 3/4 people I care about deeply) are away from me and I miss their company, their encouragement, the memories we had, the songs we danced to... I need them.
So all this to say, I am sad tonight. I need to go pray. But blogging is helping get this all out there. Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated if anyone is reading this.

I was looking back and I wanted to just outline how this past year has been for me:
1st Semester of college: Home was a symbol of comfort-Academics were an idol-High School friends were my only friends. Spiritual life at ease.
2nd Semester: Assumptions destroyed-resources were not dependable- High School friends were almost nonexistent (communication gone)- Academics are a relative part of life, not life's goal- Spiritual life struggling              .
God has brought me low  and shown me that I must think for myself and choose him, not because my family has or my church has. Being at college made me realize that I must be active in my spiritual life. My resources will never support me because all other ground besides God is sinking sand-- it will bring me down and not support me. All things fail and pass away besides God. I am being reminded of this constantly. Pray that I remember that he is my All.
Well, I guess that is it for tonight. I have a lot more I am working through and thinking about but this is it for tonight. :) God Bless. To Him be the Glory.