A poem I wrote a few months ago. It's raw and confusing at parts... I'm not struggling with this as much now, but just wanted to share it. Written spur of a moment.
----------------------------------------------
These days make me remember other days
This weather makes me miss the past
Still breezes stir up stillness
A stillness that births tears and aching
Aching for what used to be, and
Aching for what will never be.
I feel so taken, left behind, and covered
Over with newer sand and newer things
Sand from the Mediterranean has suffocated me
So much that I've been built upon by newer names
Names that are louder than mine
I am starting to forget my essence
I feel some inner crisis brewing
I don't want this, Nostalgia cries
Confidence has drowned itself on the banks of the Aegean.
I'm sad to say home is not where my heart
wants at this time.
But home doesn't seem to want my heart either.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
To drink tea, or not to drink tea, that is the question...
So I'm a caffeine addict.
I have indulged in the daily activity known as tea constantly since I was about 13. I was introduced to tea when I was about 7 or 8 but the habit really took on in my teen years... I mainly indulged in English Breakfast Tea (strong, black, "working-man" teas from Europe) and coffee, so much to the point that I'm pretty sure it became an addiction. Caffeine was in my blood and I soon became immune to its effects. I had to have at least three shots of espresso for me to actually react. I don't really remember a day I didn't have it.
All throughout highschool, tea was my life. I once meditated on my tea-drinking habits and realized that it had become my water- I didn't think twice before drinking several cups in one sitting. I just did it, and I didn't question it. It had become a part of me. It also was a large part of social interaction, as I would go out to tea and coffee with my friends back in my hometown very frequently. It was just something to do.
Now, herbal teas... yes, I never really was a fan. The one time I had some fruity herbal teas, I woke up with swollen lips and an allergic reaction the next day. Green tea and chamomile were acceptable when I was sick, but it was always the caffeinated ones for me.
So basically, I found out in my junior year of high school that I had the forming of an ulcer at the top of my stomach as a result of stress. My stress was beginning to take a toll on my body, and this ulcer was the living proof of it. The doctor, and various websites, told me that foods such as chocolate, citrus, tomatoes aggravated the ulcer and made it more painful. I also was told that caffeine was a huge danger to my ulcer and would probably hinder its healing. To not... drink tea? I'd never been told that. With much self-control, I limited myself immensely and after a few months the ulcer died down and I didn't hear about it for a while. Cue the continuous tea drinking again.
This summer, my ulcer returned even stronger but this time it was not triggered by stress so much, but the foods I was eating. Apparently, if you have an ulcer once, you're subject to have it keep popping up again in your life. I was upset but this time I took my health a little more seriously. I went on medication and it went away. When I was at the beach this summer, my ulcer had been subdued a bit but I constantly had stomach aches. My grandpa made the comment that I needed to stop drinking tea, to which I disagreed strongly and brushed it off.
So... Here is the rub -----> I came back to college and times were great. Tea drinking was rampant and much was enjoyed. I was playing a sport and my stomach aches were becoming very irritable to me. I realized that I hadn't given my ulcer enough time to fully heal, so on September 19th, I quit drinking tea. I said that day that I wouldn't have caffeine for 31 days (a month), and oh boy was that fun...
So basically, I had never done anything like this before. Quitting a habit that so consumed my life, cold-turkey for a month? I don't know what inspired me to do it so suddenly, but I did it. I hid all my caffeinated tea and only left the green tea (which I absolutely abhorred) out. The first few days were awful. I fell asleep in class, skipped classes and chapel (on purposes or on accident, there was a mixture of both), and just felt so exhausted all together. I had no artificial way of keeping myself awake or alert-- I just had to trust my own amount of sleep and good eating to keep me nourished (banish the thought!).
It was quite irritating because I was very set on keeping this 31 days chaste of caffeine, but it was so so difficult at times. There was free Starbucks on campus one day. My friends would come in my room often and want me to make them (or watch them make, it turns out) tea or espresso. My mom mailed me yummy chai tea and espresso mixes, which I couldn't drink for a month. It was difficult, but so eye-opening.
The month ended a few days ago... Despite feeling sleepy and not getting instant-gratification for my caffeine cravings, several good things did happen over the month. I know, I know... it was only a month. But it really did show me a picture of some things I needed to change.
1. I learned how to listen to my body.
Instead of being jacked up on caffeine all the time, I could actually go to bed when I needed or wanted to! I wasn't kept up for hours because "oops, I had an espresso... time to stay up til 3!". When I was sleepy, I slept. When I was awake, I stayed awake. I also realized that I had been so irritable on days when I lacked sleep and had coffee instead. Now, I realize when I am just plain grumpy and need to take a nap or get over it, instead of being irritable and fueled by caffeine (caffeine drives your heartrate up). I now know that I need to depend on sleep a little more than I used to.
2. I realized how I was lacking moderation with my habit.
5 or 6 cups of tea or coffee a day? That was normal to me?? I just drank and drank how much I possibly could. I didn't think about the calories, the caffeine levels, the dehydration, the stimulating effect on my nervous system, the pure gluttony of sitting in one place and just drinking coffee to get a good energy... it was eye-opening to see how many times I just walked over towards my former tea-station and stood there, waiting for tea. Temperance, Taylor!! I hope I remember this now that I am back on caffeine.
3. Herbal tea is NOT that bad.
I drank green tea several times over my tea-break (no caffeine in it and it's good for you), and... I never thought I say it, but I definitely appreciate herbal teas a lot more. They are such great sources of antioxidants and when you're sick, they boost your immune system or soothe your throat.
I have not mastered moderation, and I will not forever shun caffeine. I have just learned several things over this unique month, and I appreciate everyone who supported me in my efforts. It was simply a month, and it is only caffeine, so it's really not the end of the world. But I should take my health more seriously, and I hope that I can practice more moderation with my caffeine intake-- it's not great on your body! My ulcer has not hurt since I was off caffeine, so my goal was achieved! I hope it remains that way. A little bit of caffeine is fine for you, but beyond that... just take it easy. I have stocked up on some yummy herbal teas, like Sleepytime and Green Tea and Peppermint. It was, however, really nice to finally pull out my Yorkshire Breakfast Tea Box again and have a cup :) Oh tea, how I missed you so. But I don't think I need you as much as I thought.
<3
I have indulged in the daily activity known as tea constantly since I was about 13. I was introduced to tea when I was about 7 or 8 but the habit really took on in my teen years... I mainly indulged in English Breakfast Tea (strong, black, "working-man" teas from Europe) and coffee, so much to the point that I'm pretty sure it became an addiction. Caffeine was in my blood and I soon became immune to its effects. I had to have at least three shots of espresso for me to actually react. I don't really remember a day I didn't have it.
All throughout highschool, tea was my life. I once meditated on my tea-drinking habits and realized that it had become my water- I didn't think twice before drinking several cups in one sitting. I just did it, and I didn't question it. It had become a part of me. It also was a large part of social interaction, as I would go out to tea and coffee with my friends back in my hometown very frequently. It was just something to do.
Now, herbal teas... yes, I never really was a fan. The one time I had some fruity herbal teas, I woke up with swollen lips and an allergic reaction the next day. Green tea and chamomile were acceptable when I was sick, but it was always the caffeinated ones for me.
So basically, I found out in my junior year of high school that I had the forming of an ulcer at the top of my stomach as a result of stress. My stress was beginning to take a toll on my body, and this ulcer was the living proof of it. The doctor, and various websites, told me that foods such as chocolate, citrus, tomatoes aggravated the ulcer and made it more painful. I also was told that caffeine was a huge danger to my ulcer and would probably hinder its healing. To not... drink tea? I'd never been told that. With much self-control, I limited myself immensely and after a few months the ulcer died down and I didn't hear about it for a while. Cue the continuous tea drinking again.
This summer, my ulcer returned even stronger but this time it was not triggered by stress so much, but the foods I was eating. Apparently, if you have an ulcer once, you're subject to have it keep popping up again in your life. I was upset but this time I took my health a little more seriously. I went on medication and it went away. When I was at the beach this summer, my ulcer had been subdued a bit but I constantly had stomach aches. My grandpa made the comment that I needed to stop drinking tea, to which I disagreed strongly and brushed it off.
So... Here is the rub -----> I came back to college and times were great. Tea drinking was rampant and much was enjoyed. I was playing a sport and my stomach aches were becoming very irritable to me. I realized that I hadn't given my ulcer enough time to fully heal, so on September 19th, I quit drinking tea. I said that day that I wouldn't have caffeine for 31 days (a month), and oh boy was that fun...
So basically, I had never done anything like this before. Quitting a habit that so consumed my life, cold-turkey for a month? I don't know what inspired me to do it so suddenly, but I did it. I hid all my caffeinated tea and only left the green tea (which I absolutely abhorred) out. The first few days were awful. I fell asleep in class, skipped classes and chapel (on purposes or on accident, there was a mixture of both), and just felt so exhausted all together. I had no artificial way of keeping myself awake or alert-- I just had to trust my own amount of sleep and good eating to keep me nourished (banish the thought!).
It was quite irritating because I was very set on keeping this 31 days chaste of caffeine, but it was so so difficult at times. There was free Starbucks on campus one day. My friends would come in my room often and want me to make them (or watch them make, it turns out) tea or espresso. My mom mailed me yummy chai tea and espresso mixes, which I couldn't drink for a month. It was difficult, but so eye-opening.
The month ended a few days ago... Despite feeling sleepy and not getting instant-gratification for my caffeine cravings, several good things did happen over the month. I know, I know... it was only a month. But it really did show me a picture of some things I needed to change.
1. I learned how to listen to my body.
Instead of being jacked up on caffeine all the time, I could actually go to bed when I needed or wanted to! I wasn't kept up for hours because "oops, I had an espresso... time to stay up til 3!". When I was sleepy, I slept. When I was awake, I stayed awake. I also realized that I had been so irritable on days when I lacked sleep and had coffee instead. Now, I realize when I am just plain grumpy and need to take a nap or get over it, instead of being irritable and fueled by caffeine (caffeine drives your heartrate up). I now know that I need to depend on sleep a little more than I used to.
2. I realized how I was lacking moderation with my habit.
5 or 6 cups of tea or coffee a day? That was normal to me?? I just drank and drank how much I possibly could. I didn't think about the calories, the caffeine levels, the dehydration, the stimulating effect on my nervous system, the pure gluttony of sitting in one place and just drinking coffee to get a good energy... it was eye-opening to see how many times I just walked over towards my former tea-station and stood there, waiting for tea. Temperance, Taylor!! I hope I remember this now that I am back on caffeine.
3. Herbal tea is NOT that bad.
I drank green tea several times over my tea-break (no caffeine in it and it's good for you), and... I never thought I say it, but I definitely appreciate herbal teas a lot more. They are such great sources of antioxidants and when you're sick, they boost your immune system or soothe your throat.
I have not mastered moderation, and I will not forever shun caffeine. I have just learned several things over this unique month, and I appreciate everyone who supported me in my efforts. It was simply a month, and it is only caffeine, so it's really not the end of the world. But I should take my health more seriously, and I hope that I can practice more moderation with my caffeine intake-- it's not great on your body! My ulcer has not hurt since I was off caffeine, so my goal was achieved! I hope it remains that way. A little bit of caffeine is fine for you, but beyond that... just take it easy. I have stocked up on some yummy herbal teas, like Sleepytime and Green Tea and Peppermint. It was, however, really nice to finally pull out my Yorkshire Breakfast Tea Box again and have a cup :) Oh tea, how I missed you so. But I don't think I need you as much as I thought.
<3
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Nostalgia.
Nothing that profound to say here tonight. Just wanted to pull out some past thoughts and highlights from my past couple weeks.
I returned from the mountain (college) about 2 weeks ago... and I thought it would be a nice fluffy cushion being back home. Well, it hasn't been all that it sounded like. I committed myself early on to many things and planned a lot. Now, it's hitting me.
I am working for my mom over the summer-- a cushy job with very high pay, a bit of flexibility, and the job itself is simply awesome (wedding planning/flower arranging?? YEAH MAN.). So I was very excited... and I'm pretty good at it too.
However, I didn't get the memo that just because I'm a college kid I am on a very tight, short leash and expected to do many great and selfless things. To say the least, I have retreated back into a defensive shell, been yelled at countless times since I got home, cried more than I have in the past several months, and don't really and truly feel at peace.
I have been told that I should find another job-- maybe I should? I'm with my mom all the time right now with working and not and we constantly get into fights. I really don't like this. Conflict stresses me out... greatly. I wasn't stressed out that much the past few months of school as much as I am now back at home-- which is supposed to be my place of rest, isn't it?
I do my devotions every night and am constantly crying out to the Lord. (This is what he wants, though.) My spiritual state is desperate- I am not nearly strong enough to be fruitful and virtuous in any of these situations. I am trying to depend on the Lord to give me patience and love when I do not want to be in my house anymore. I really honestly have not known what to do the past 2 weeks. It has felt so odd. There's not really a set place for me here at home it feels. I have been made to clean more than I ever have when my brother gets to frolic. I am glad he is having a great time but I honestly don't feel like I'm valued at home. I'm trying to look at it from several different perspectives but it all boils down to the same stuff: I don't feel very good right now about everything.
Perhaps the Lord is bringing me down to the end of my resources so I will look to him. That is a huge thing he has been teaching me this year. Very possible. Probable.
Just feel very weary and desperate for his good graces because everything else... is just sinking sand, to say the least. Maybe that's the point. Life just looks so dreary right now in a lot of areas. The mission trip I have been looking forward to for 10 months... I am not going to get to go on it because of money purposes and my mom doesn't really want me to. I understand her reasoning but my heart it breaking for it-- I really wanted to go. For a number of reasons.
I am not trying to paint my family in a bad light-- they have loved me more than I deserve, and they are great people. However, it feels a bit more lame now that I'm home for a while. On breaks and even the first couple days of summer, people would say things like "Aren't you so glad that Taylor's home??? It must be great!" I used to receive hugs and my family would be like yes, yes it is so great. Now it feels like it doesn't mean anything anymore and my mom just shrugs her shoulders at me and says Yeah it's interesting having her home.
...?
I'm not really sure what's going on. Maybe I'm more critical that I should be. I just want to have a place at home. Right now I feel like the errand-runner and comic relief that gets yelled at a lot. Not sure.
Don't take my word completely for it, but right now I'm not really thinking positively or rightly. I'm just sad.
On top of this, I am being hit by severe nostalgia tonight. I miss my high school friends. My graduating class. My heart aches for how we used to be.. I wish it would be like that now. I feel like I tried to keep in touch with some of them over the college freshman year but it never really stuck. It just hurts. Missing hurts so much.
My college friends (I have a closeknit circle of about 3/4 people I care about deeply) are away from me and I miss their company, their encouragement, the memories we had, the songs we danced to... I need them.
So all this to say, I am sad tonight. I need to go pray. But blogging is helping get this all out there. Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated if anyone is reading this.
I was looking back and I wanted to just outline how this past year has been for me:
1st Semester of college: Home was a symbol of comfort-Academics were an idol-High School friends were my only friends. Spiritual life at ease.
2nd Semester: Assumptions destroyed-resources were not dependable- High School friends were almost nonexistent (communication gone)- Academics are a relative part of life, not life's goal- Spiritual life struggling .
God has brought me low and shown me that I must think for myself and choose him, not because my family has or my church has. Being at college made me realize that I must be active in my spiritual life. My resources will never support me because all other ground besides God is sinking sand-- it will bring me down and not support me. All things fail and pass away besides God. I am being reminded of this constantly. Pray that I remember that he is my All.
Well, I guess that is it for tonight. I have a lot more I am working through and thinking about but this is it for tonight. :) God Bless. To Him be the Glory.
I returned from the mountain (college) about 2 weeks ago... and I thought it would be a nice fluffy cushion being back home. Well, it hasn't been all that it sounded like. I committed myself early on to many things and planned a lot. Now, it's hitting me.
I am working for my mom over the summer-- a cushy job with very high pay, a bit of flexibility, and the job itself is simply awesome (wedding planning/flower arranging?? YEAH MAN.). So I was very excited... and I'm pretty good at it too.
However, I didn't get the memo that just because I'm a college kid I am on a very tight, short leash and expected to do many great and selfless things. To say the least, I have retreated back into a defensive shell, been yelled at countless times since I got home, cried more than I have in the past several months, and don't really and truly feel at peace.
I have been told that I should find another job-- maybe I should? I'm with my mom all the time right now with working and not and we constantly get into fights. I really don't like this. Conflict stresses me out... greatly. I wasn't stressed out that much the past few months of school as much as I am now back at home-- which is supposed to be my place of rest, isn't it?
I do my devotions every night and am constantly crying out to the Lord. (This is what he wants, though.) My spiritual state is desperate- I am not nearly strong enough to be fruitful and virtuous in any of these situations. I am trying to depend on the Lord to give me patience and love when I do not want to be in my house anymore. I really honestly have not known what to do the past 2 weeks. It has felt so odd. There's not really a set place for me here at home it feels. I have been made to clean more than I ever have when my brother gets to frolic. I am glad he is having a great time but I honestly don't feel like I'm valued at home. I'm trying to look at it from several different perspectives but it all boils down to the same stuff: I don't feel very good right now about everything.
Perhaps the Lord is bringing me down to the end of my resources so I will look to him. That is a huge thing he has been teaching me this year. Very possible. Probable.
Just feel very weary and desperate for his good graces because everything else... is just sinking sand, to say the least. Maybe that's the point. Life just looks so dreary right now in a lot of areas. The mission trip I have been looking forward to for 10 months... I am not going to get to go on it because of money purposes and my mom doesn't really want me to. I understand her reasoning but my heart it breaking for it-- I really wanted to go. For a number of reasons.
I am not trying to paint my family in a bad light-- they have loved me more than I deserve, and they are great people. However, it feels a bit more lame now that I'm home for a while. On breaks and even the first couple days of summer, people would say things like "Aren't you so glad that Taylor's home??? It must be great!" I used to receive hugs and my family would be like yes, yes it is so great. Now it feels like it doesn't mean anything anymore and my mom just shrugs her shoulders at me and says Yeah it's interesting having her home.
...?
I'm not really sure what's going on. Maybe I'm more critical that I should be. I just want to have a place at home. Right now I feel like the errand-runner and comic relief that gets yelled at a lot. Not sure.
Don't take my word completely for it, but right now I'm not really thinking positively or rightly. I'm just sad.
On top of this, I am being hit by severe nostalgia tonight. I miss my high school friends. My graduating class. My heart aches for how we used to be.. I wish it would be like that now. I feel like I tried to keep in touch with some of them over the college freshman year but it never really stuck. It just hurts. Missing hurts so much.
My college friends (I have a closeknit circle of about 3/4 people I care about deeply) are away from me and I miss their company, their encouragement, the memories we had, the songs we danced to... I need them.
So all this to say, I am sad tonight. I need to go pray. But blogging is helping get this all out there. Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated if anyone is reading this.
I was looking back and I wanted to just outline how this past year has been for me:
1st Semester of college: Home was a symbol of comfort-Academics were an idol-High School friends were my only friends. Spiritual life at ease.
2nd Semester: Assumptions destroyed-resources were not dependable- High School friends were almost nonexistent (communication gone)- Academics are a relative part of life, not life's goal- Spiritual life struggling .
God has brought me low and shown me that I must think for myself and choose him, not because my family has or my church has. Being at college made me realize that I must be active in my spiritual life. My resources will never support me because all other ground besides God is sinking sand-- it will bring me down and not support me. All things fail and pass away besides God. I am being reminded of this constantly. Pray that I remember that he is my All.
Well, I guess that is it for tonight. I have a lot more I am working through and thinking about but this is it for tonight. :) God Bless. To Him be the Glory.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Thoughts on an April Day.
This whole thing has been a complete terror.
I know that everyone quite gets why it has been so dreadful to me, but I'm not sure they really feel how I'm feeling. I can't expect them to. My closest friend has been completely severed from me, from manipulation and wooing of sorts. I know God is not to blame, as he is working his good through this. In the moment, however, it seems like this fact isn't as powerful as it should be. I feel ignored, slighted, mistreated, blamed, and everything synonymous with that. It's not some boiling anger, but it's a sort of quiet agony, writing discomfort, and quiet submission.
No, I am not blowing this out of proportion. I could have done that out loud and long ago. Instead, this is the truth but in silence, so now it is all being revealed. My heart clenches within me and my eyes begin to water when I realize that the person that God has so blessed me with is slowly becoming numb in our friendship. External circumstances and happenings have begun to grab her hand and slowly pull her away from me. I am so blessed, but this lesson I am being taught is not what I ever wanted. I try to preoccupy myself, I try to fill my time with other happy things, but at the end of the day, I remember what is happening. The words are not the same. The disagreements have been way too enormous to push under the rug. Forgiveness only goes so far in our fallen human selves.
Right now, we are left with two creatures, both incredibly hurt and confused, with not enough energy to discuss it any long. I don't feel as if there can be any reconciliation. The only thing that can is the spirit of God filling us with love, understanding, patience, and kindness while we approach each other. The spirit has the power to do that, but I'm not sure if it is planned to happen in this situation. Right now, it takes every fiber of my being to simply smile at her. In some sort of distorted way, I wish I could be dishonest and smile all the time. Yet both what is in my heart, and the weight that rests on me, is pulling me down so much that not even my frown can relax, or my heart to stop leaping when I see her. I cannot be happy because of what is going on.
Honestly, looking at this all, I can see a light in my future, a light I always know is present. I cannot look away from my self long enough to notice it all the time, however. Right now, I do not know what to do practically and immediately, but overall I must love just as Christ has loved me, at the same time as protecting my heart, but forgiving. Giving it all over to Him, because he cares for me. He has put this in my life for a reason. I am just not sure what it is yet. But maybe that is the point.
To remember in all of this: God is sovereign over all.
No, I am not blowing this out of proportion. I could have done that out loud and long ago. Instead, this is the truth but in silence, so now it is all being revealed. My heart clenches within me and my eyes begin to water when I realize that the person that God has so blessed me with is slowly becoming numb in our friendship. External circumstances and happenings have begun to grab her hand and slowly pull her away from me. I am so blessed, but this lesson I am being taught is not what I ever wanted. I try to preoccupy myself, I try to fill my time with other happy things, but at the end of the day, I remember what is happening. The words are not the same. The disagreements have been way too enormous to push under the rug. Forgiveness only goes so far in our fallen human selves.
Right now, we are left with two creatures, both incredibly hurt and confused, with not enough energy to discuss it any long. I don't feel as if there can be any reconciliation. The only thing that can is the spirit of God filling us with love, understanding, patience, and kindness while we approach each other. The spirit has the power to do that, but I'm not sure if it is planned to happen in this situation. Right now, it takes every fiber of my being to simply smile at her. In some sort of distorted way, I wish I could be dishonest and smile all the time. Yet both what is in my heart, and the weight that rests on me, is pulling me down so much that not even my frown can relax, or my heart to stop leaping when I see her. I cannot be happy because of what is going on.
Honestly, looking at this all, I can see a light in my future, a light I always know is present. I cannot look away from my self long enough to notice it all the time, however. Right now, I do not know what to do practically and immediately, but overall I must love just as Christ has loved me, at the same time as protecting my heart, but forgiving. Giving it all over to Him, because he cares for me. He has put this in my life for a reason. I am just not sure what it is yet. But maybe that is the point.
To remember in all of this: God is sovereign over all.
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